Day: May 17, 2013

* At the breakfast table one morning, my husband was bemoaning his poor record in the stock market. I in turn, was telling him about my latest diet, one of many that I had tried and failed.   “You know honey,” he said looking up from the stock market section of the newspaper, “You’re the only investment I have ever made that doubled.”

* The 84-year-old retired stockbroker was admitted to our hospital intensive care unit, suffering from a peptic ulcer and in shock from internal hemorrhaging. As intravenous lines were started, fluid was infused and his vital signs improved rapidly. A nurse dramatically announced his blood pressure readings as they started to climb from the the shock level of 60 and increased to 70, 80,  90. There was no doubt about the patient’s successful recovery when, and midst her calling the values, he suddenly yelled, “When it gets to 110, sell.”

# The bookie slowly counted the money into the old lady’s hand. He asked, “How did you pick this winner, Lady?” She said, “I just stick a pin into the paper and whatever horse it lands on I bet.” “Then how did you pick four winners yesterday?”  She replied, “I used a fork.”