August 17 Humor

@ A banker approaches the pearly gates sweating and struggling with a very heavy suitcase. St. Peter greets him and says “Set down the suitcase and, come on in.” “No way,” barks the banker, I have to bring it in with me.” “What could possibly be in the suitcase that is so important you brought into eternity with you?” asked Peter. The banker opens the suitcase to reveal 50 gold bricks. Saint Peter’s jaw drops open and he asks, “You brought pavement?”

A lawyer cross examined the doctor about whether he checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. “No,” he said “I did not check his pulse.” “Did you listen for a heartbeat?” asked the lawyer. “No, I did not” the doctor responded. “So,” said the lawyer, “when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead.” The doctor said, “Well let me put it to you this way. The man’s brain was in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out practicing law.”

* The teacher was trying to show his students the correct grammar. The boy protested, “What difference does it make if I say bad or badly? They both mean the same thing.”  The teacher pointed to a girl walking down the hall and asked, “Son, are you looking at her stern or sternly?”