Bearly Ursine

The judges have spoken and the 2023 winner of the Fat Bear beauty contest has been named.  The judges chose #128 Grazer, a defensive mother bear and first-time winner of the long sought-after title. She beat second placed #32 Chunk, a larger bear, by more than 85,000 votes. Grazer, a large mother to two litters of cubs with a long muzzle and “conspicuously blonde ears.” Grazer is one of the fattest bears to hunt for salmon in the Brooks River, the National Park Service said. She was introduced to the area as a young cub in 2005 and has since become one of the most successful fishers on the waters. “She can chase down fleeing salmon in many parts of the river or patiently scavenge dead and dying salmon after they spawn,” the National Park Service said. She has guts, too. The National Park Service said Grazer often preemptively confronts and attacks much larger and more dominant male bears to ensure her cubs’ safety.

Grazer is not the only big bear in the news: after years on the run “Hank the Tank” has been captured in California. The massive mischievous macho black bear has been captured after more than a year on the run following a string of break-ins across California. Tank is believed to have broken into 21 homes in the Lake Tahoe area since 2022. Hank is actually a female bear registered as “64F” now renamed as Henrietta. Hank/Henrietta’s fame has given her a reprieve. “Given the widespread interest in this bear, and the significant risk of a serious incident involving the bear, CDFW is employing an alternative solution to safeguard the bear family as well as the people in the South Lake Tahoe community. She will be moved to a sanctuary in Colorado. Her three cubs may be transferred to a facility in California’s Sonoma County. Hank nee Henrietta was originally believed to have been responsible for over 40 break-ins, but DNA samples proved that the break-ins were also the work of at least two other large bears. Hank/Henrietta had grown unafraid of humans and had learned to use her strength to force her way into people’s homes. “When you have a bear forcibly crashing its way through a garage door or ripping open a front door with people inside, that’s pretty brazen and unusual.” Hank/Henrietta refused to declare her/its preferred pronouns for this story.

It is not the bear’s fault that they are big and aggressive. They have been corrupted by the high fat-sugar syndicate that controls the human world. Even the purest Ursine hardliner will succumb to the relentless commercials, half eaten lunch time refuse and those aromas. Sadly, one mother bear in Alaska was foraging with her cubs for 100% natural grubs and berries. As they sat on the side of the road a vicious, seductive donut delivery truck stopped and left its doors open to seduce these helpless pristine gifts of nature.  “And then all of a sudden, I heard, like, movement in the van. Then I heard her breaking open the packages of doughnuts, and then the babies there followed suit. And they just started eating all the doughnuts. So we tried to get them out. We were banging on the van. No luck. The police sounded off their loud sirens and flashed their LED lights. They were in there for a good, 20 minutes and when they got out to get out of the van, and they just kind of lingered in front of the store taunting the police and the media.” Spokes-animals for the Ursine Rebellion have made it clear these beautiful, natural animals have been goaded into this behavior by the occupiers in their kingdom and this is just the natural response, like the flash mob robberies by poor persecuted minorities in the inner cities.

Bear Necessities

Why did the bear with alopecia go to his GP?
To get a re-furral.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear

Polar bears in the Pittsburgh Zoo received a $14 million domain renovation featuring a plush waterfall and running stream. Park officials expect a spike in ticket sales as well as a visit from Al Sharpton asking what the black bears got.

A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear…. “Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?”
The bear responds: “No, I’m stuffed.”

November 9th Birthdays

1988 – Nicki Blonsky, 1999 – Karol Sevilla, 1980 – Vanessa Minnillo, 1979 – Emily Compagno

1972 – Eric Dane, 1934 – Carl Sagan, 1951 – Lou Ferrigno, 1942 -Tom Weiskopf

Morning Motivator: