February 1 Humor

* I had just learned to drive and was bugging my parents to let me drive every chance I could. We went on vacation and I asked Dad to let me drive as the ride would be for hours. Since we were mostly out in the country he assented. While I did pretty well on the straight, open road, we came to a town and the road took a sharp turn. I was not ready for it and ended up in a gas station running into one of their sign stands. I waited for the tirade to come, but my father just took a deep breath and asked, “As long as we are here, does anyone have to go to the bathroom?”

@ There was a man who was marooned on a deserted island. He had made a life for himself and was crudely dressed and had a long beard. One day as he walked the surf and shapely young lady came out of the water in a wet suit. He was amazed and the woman asked, “Have you been here  long?” He replied, “since 2005.”  She asked, “How long has it been since you had a cigarette?” He said “a long time.” She reached into the suit and pulled out a pack of cigarettes and they lit up together. She asked him “how long has it been since you had a drink?” He said “a long time.” She opens another pocket and pulls out a flask of whiskey and they share a drink. She asks him, “how long has it been since you played around?” He looked at her wistfully and said “a long time.” She reached up and started to unzip the front of her wet suit and the stranded man said, “Don’t’ tell me you have a set of golf clubs in there too.”

* A Washington DC lobbyist was opening the door of his new BMW to get out when another car came along close beside and ripped the door right off. The lawyer jumped into the middle of the street and was cursing up a storm when a policeman pulled up. The raging lawyer told the officer how his beautiful car had been ruined and what would people say about him with an imperfect car. The policeman said, “You lawyers are all so materialistic, all you care about are your possessions and showing them off. You were so worked up about your damaged status symbol car, you did not even realize the accident pulled your arm off.”  “Oh no”, cried the lawyer holding his forehead in the remaining hand. “What happened to my Rolex?”