January 5 Humor

@ For several years, my job was to answer all of your phone calls and mail concerning the daytime television soap operas our company produced. One day a woman called wanting medical advice from an actor who portrayed a doctor on one of the shows. I explained that the man wasn’t a real doctor couldn’t help her. After a moment of shocked silence, the woman replied indignantly, “No wonder he takes his patients months to recover.”

In the commuter train smoking car the conversation turned to the merits and demerits of various ways of preserving health. One stout, florid man held forth with great eloquence, his claims on the subject. “Look at me.” He said. “Never a day of sickness in my life, and all due to simple food.” Why, gentlemen,” he continued, “from the age of 20 to that of 40 I lived an absolutely simple, regular life. No effeminate delicacies, no late hours, and no extravagances. Every day, in fact, summer and winter, I was in bed regularly at Nine o’clock and up again at five in the morning. I worked from 8 to 1, then had dinner a plain dinner, mark my words and after that, an hour’s exercise then… “Excuse me sir,” interrupts a sarcastic stranger from the corner, “but what were you imprisoned for.”

A lawyer called the governor’s mansion shortly after midnight. “I need to talk to the governor, it’s an emergency,” Exclaimed the lawyer. After some cajoling, the governor’s aide eventually agreed to wake him up so, “What’s so important that it can’t wait until morning?” grumbled the governor. “Judge Brown just died, and I want to take his place,” pleaded the attorney. The governor said,  “Well, it’s okay with me if it’s okay with the mortuary.”