* Traveling from the East Coast to Oregon, I was looking forward to sampling seafood from the Pacific Ocean. At a small open-air restaurant, I selected the clam chowder. “Is it fresh?” I asked the waitress. “Oh, yes, she replied we open the can just this morning.”

@ You can buy a gun at Wal-Mart, but your Fourth of July sparklers you have to smuggle across the state line.

@ Guns always gave me the willies. But when my new job required me to transport valuables, I decided I needed one for protection. Since I knew next to nothing about firearms I joined a pistol club, hoping to pick up some much-needed pointers. After watching and evaluating my technique for a few weeks, the instructor pulled me aside. “Are you open to suggestion”? He asked. “Absolutely”, I replied. “Hire a bodyguard.”