* I don’t want to say that I live in a bad neighborhood, the criminals around here so tough that they attack people with chewed off shotguns.

* Guns always gave me the willies. But when my new job required me to transport valuables, I decided I needed one for protection. Since I knew next to nothing about firearms I joined a pistol club, hoping to pick up some much-needed pointers. After watching and evaluating my technique for a few weeks, the instructor pulled me aside. “Are you open to suggestion”? He asked. “Absolutely”, I replied. “Hire a bodyguard.”

@ As an avid skier, Eric listened every winter day to the ski report. He sprang to the phone when the announcer offered a free whole days lift tickets to the 7th caller. As soon as he dialed the number he was greeted with the magic words, “You are the winner.” He was so excited he jumped up and swung around, dropped the phone and lost the call.