* A husband was excitedly calling the relatives to give them the good news of their newborn babies.  He called his mother-in -law and told her, “We have twins”   She was a little hard of hearing and asked, “Could you repeat that.”  He answered, “I doubt it, I was surprised it happened the first time.”

# My brother was alarmingly me by speeding through a red light. I  said “What if the traffic cameras are watching you”? “Stop worrying”. He sighs, “It doesn’t matter if they are watching or not,” he assured me  ” I don’t have license plates yet.”

# A nurse was late for work at the hospital and was driving too  fast and dodging traffic to get there. She blew through a stoplight and the police car lit her up and pulled her over. He asked her, “What does a red light mean to you?” She replied “Someone needs a bed pan.”