* When I was a trained, yet inexperienced, radioman in the Coast Guard, we were sent to sea to ride out hurricane Hazel. As the cutter crashed through 30 foot waves, I held on the rail with one hand while grasping the radio receiver with the other. “Scholz” I heard our bosun’s mate shout over the roaring storm. “What are you doing with that radio?” “I’ve got it in case we have to call for help, sir”. I answered,  “Scholz we are the blankety-blank  help”.

@ We have invited our friends Bob and Sheila to a special dinner. While my wife, Leigh prepared the meal, I rushed out to buy “just the right wine”. Everything seemed perfect as we sat down at the dinner table, until I noticed that the ice bucket held an inferior champagne. Honey, I said “please bring out the bottle I purchased tonight. Bob and Sheila deserved better than this”. “Dear”, my wife replied quietly, “Bob brought the wine”.

$ Every morning at our group coffee break we listened to the sad stories of our newlywed colleague’s misadventures in the kitchen. We all tried to pitch in with some advice and recipes.  One day, she asked us for step by step instructions to prepare sweet potatoes which was one of her new husband’s requests. She said, “I have finally been able to make them sweet, now how do I make them orange?”