August 17th Humor

@ A banker approaches the pearly gates sweating and struggling with a very heavy suitcase. St. Peter greets him and says “Set down the suitcase and, come on in.” “No way,” barks the banker, I have to bring it in with me.” “What could possibly be in the suitcase that is so important you brought into eternity with you?” asked Peter. The banker opens the suitcase to reveal 50 gold bricks. Saint Peter’s jaw drops open and he asks, “You brought pavement?”

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician’s office. After the exam, she shyly, haltingly said, “My husband wants me to ask you…,”  to which the doctor replies, “I know, I know,” placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.”  “No, that’s not it,” the woman confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”

A lawyer cross examined the doctor about whether he checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. “No,” he said “I did not check his pulse.” “Did you listen for a heartbeat?” asked the lawyer. “No, I did not” the doctor responded. “So,” said the lawyer, “when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead.” The doctor said, “Well let me put it to you this way. The man’s brain was in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out practicing law.”