July 4 Humor

* I decided to spoof the unrealistic, glowing self descriptions found in most personal ads, so I sent the following listing to our local newspaper: “DWM, short, fat, aged, falling apart inside and out, constantly broke, usually drunk, seeking attractive, intelligent, single, divorced, white female to confirm my ex-wife’s opinion. No hurry.” Imagine how I felt when the first reply message I got was from someone I had been casually dating for a few months: “Bill is that your ad I just saw in the paper?”

* My son had a friend who attends college out of town, he sees him only at semester breaks during his visits home. I couldn’t help overhearing his complaint to my son that his girlfriend had been dating other guys. He wondered aloud why women can’t be trusted and why they are not faithful the way men are. I immediately tried to soothe his bruised ego. “There are probably many other girls at college,” I told him, “that would be glad to hear that you are now available.” He gave me a bewildered  look. “I’m not talking about my girlfriend at college,” he said “I’m talking about girlfriend here at home.”

# When my son Christopher was 10 years old, he asked me to help with a classroom assignment he was given. “I have to make a list of the things that had not yet been invented when you were 10.” he said, pencil poised over paper. “Well, for starters, the wheel,” I replied waiting patiently for the laugh that never came. I felt even worse when he wrote it down. “Okay, the wheel,” he said. “What else?”