July 14 Humor

* I visited my dad’s house to help him with a messy building project. In the process I got my clothes all muddy. I asked my mother if dad had any old pants I could borrow. When I told her I wear a 38 inch waist she said, “Dad has a closet full of pants that size.” As he is considerably more rotund than I am, I questioned him on this point. Dad insisted he wore a 38 waistline I said, “you can’t be a 38 waist.” “What size do you have on right now?”   “These are 44′ s,” he replied. “I thought you just said you wear a 38,” I asked.   “I do,” dad said. “But the 44 is a more comfortable.”

* My wife was so proud of her recent weight loss and went shopping to buy new clothes in smaller sizes. One day she was wearing her new jeans, and I noticed a sticker on the back of one of the pant legs back listed her size as “Eight Pettite”. I took the tag off and handed it to her, she looked at it proudly, then winked and said, “Put it back on.”

@ “Life is Tough on women in Arizona prisons now that they have to work on chain gangs,” says comedian Rosie O’Donnell, “and what’s worse on their stripes are horizontal.”